Now I should preface this with the fact that I wasn't sure if there would ever be a Grace. I love children and I think I'm good with children and I love having nephews. But for awhile I didn't know if I really wanted kids. About a year and a half ago when Jay and I first had a REAL discussion about having kids, I felt torn. I worried about doing my job with taking care of preschoolers AND having a baby, I didn't want to change the wonderful things in my life that I love, and I didn't want my relationship with Jay to change either. At this time, we also had a lot of friends having babies (which is why a lot of Grace's little friends will be a year older than her). And it was hard to see our friends having babies, and seeing them go through the toughest parts of having a baby and becoming parents. In retrospect, it was humbling for us and gave us a real glimpse of how hard it might be to have a baby. When you're trying to decide whether or not to have a baby though, it was a real buzz kill and made us put the baby idea on hold.
Fast forward a year to Spring 2011. After our trip to Europe and visiting our fun childless friends in Germany made me question once again. I dreamed of a life of living somewhere abroad, traveling more, fun parties, going to wineries and leaving at a moment's notice to do whatever we wanted. Coming back from that trip was really hard. But once real life sunk in once again, my life felt dull. We really didn't do all those things I dreamed of, even though we didn't have kids. And the one question I asked myself, solidified my answer. I asked myself to picture my life 10 years, 20 years, and even 50 years down the road. Did I picture myself with a child or two and with a growing family? And the answer was yes. Not only that, but I couldn't picture a life WITHOUT children. Growing old with the kids playing in the backyard, taking my child to college, and becoming a grandparent someday? Yes, I wanted all of those things. Yes, life might be harder with a baby, yes we can't leave at a moment's notice, and traveling might be trickier, but I was (and am) determined to not let our lives completely revolve around our child (of course in many ways it does but we are still the same people, only more enriched by this little bundle of joy). Our child will fit into our life in wonderful ways, and our lives don't have to be dominated by the fact that we are parents.
Of course I have to say that now I truly believe this was the best decision I've ever made, and the best thing I've ever done with my life. This 13-pound bald miracle has transformed our lives in wonderful (albeit stinky) ways and I wouldn't change it for the world. Of course now I wonder why I ever doubted whether I wanted to have a baby, because she is perfect, and I'm a perfect fit as a Mom, and she fits us perfectly. Yes, life is hard. And there were lots of days in the first couple of months that I cried and cried and wondered about my decision. Having a baby is hard, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. It's just the way it is and just like kids have phases, it is a phase and you get through it. And you get some sleep, and life gets easier. :)
Thanks for sharing your blog Sara!! I agree, it is hard not being able to leave at a moments notice, I think I miss that the most...and not even to go out to a party or something (although that is missed sometimes), but even to go to the store. After we put the kids down one day I asked Jeff if he wanted anything from DQ, and he said "hold on a minute and I'll go with you." I said, "Um, we can't both go - the kids are sleeping." Just little things like that are frustrating sometimes. I just love our group of friends though and being able to take the kids along - we have done it for two years now, and the kids still transition really well, and I think it is because we started it from the start - it really makes having kids easier when you can travel with them. I hope you don't mind if I share your blog on mine, I look forward to reading more.
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